How To Deal with A Dark Night of The Soul: My Journey From Shame and Self-Hatred to Authenticity and Inner Freedom

As my time comes to share, I start crying.

After telling my friends about all the anxiousness, overwhelm and lack of motivation I’ve experienced, one of them asks me:

Have you ever considered doing trauma work?

I looked at her, puzzled. No… I said.

I mean… Sure:

I grew up in a cult-like church where I was taught it’s better to be a man than a woman and you can’t trust your instincts…

My parents had a strange relationship where love wasn’t really present…

I got heavily bullied and ate my lunch on the toilet. ‍♀

And I got emotionally neglected...

But would I reeaally need trauma work?

In the weeks and months afterwards, it became clear just how much I needed it:

I couldn’t seem to focus Started having panic attacks out of nowhere

Lying on the floor not sure what to do with myself

And I even had long, winded fantasies about not wanting to live…

At first I resisted these feelings, but my body spoke to me strongly. She said NO!

NO longer living the way we did!

NO longer overriding this emotional healing process by generating even more “success”!

NO longer looking away! It’s time for you to face this.

So if you’re wondering where I’ve been in the last 9 months, it was:

Crying in my therapist’s office

Working through patterns of fear, self-hatred and shame

️Shedding old layers that no longer felt authentic (in life & business)

Taking care of animals and beautiful farms

Drawing, lots. Connecting with the energy of the rose. Sleeping plenty. Reading “Women Who Run With The Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes (highly recommended)

Walks and exercise every day (One of my mental health practitioners recommended daily workouts to stay off meds - I wanted to avoid taking any. It worked!)

Softening. Deepening my connection with God & my feminine energy

Moving into a sweet new apartment that I have all to myself

And inventing a whole new way of being (& working)

And let me tell you: it’s been humbling AF.

In the last few years I started identifying with the success I had in my work. So letting go of my “work” has been super challenging.

I’ve been asked by life to completely let go of anything that isn’t aligned.

Fully embracing this process meant access to even freedom and clarity.

It’s like walking through the sewers of my unconscious, and clearing house.

It’s nasty while you’re at it, but ultimately creates way more freedom.

So yeah. While it’s been intense, I’m super grateful this happened.

I’m accessing a deeper state of vulnerability, softness and authenticity.

Step 1: Allow yourself to fall apart.

Stop trying to keep it all together. It’s SO exhausting.

Instead: Surrender. Let life have its way with you…

There is a season and a time for everything.

Your best bet is to stop swimming against the stream. Let the stream take you. And show you

the places you need to look at...

Life (and our body) knows so much better what we need, than we do with our limited mind.

Just like nature, let yourself be metaphorically composted…

So in spring? You can blossom anew again.

Step 2: Face. Your. Feelings.

There’s a toxic tendency in the spiritual & personal development space.

To want to be high vibe all the f*cking time.

Guess what babe, that is NOT possible! What goes up, must come down.

Any emotion you suppress will show up 10x stronger.

Until you face it. And then? It leads you to freedom. ✨

So feel your feelings. Even if it’s uncomfortable.

Learn to sit in the shit. And it will transform… into magic.

Step 3: Connect with your body. Get into nature

Your mind might get louder at first.

As a part of it's death is at arrival, it might scream.

Tell you that you suck. You're not worthy. You don't deserve any of the things you want.

Don't let it take you on a spin.

Get your pretty ass outside.

Connect with your body and softness.

Get moving, shake that ass. Massage yourself.

Go floating in a floating tank. Bathe in a forest.

Step 4: Be willing to ask for help.

Omg, looking back I WISH I would have asked for help WAY earlier.

I had to find myself on the floor in complete panic before reaching out.

A huge relief came once I did. All of a sudden, help showed up in so many unexpected places: financially, mentally, spiritually.

I had been stuck in thinking I needed to have it all together I buried myself in this internal hole of wanting to solve all my issues on my own.

(Which, guess what, is a trauma response – of feeling you should be “needless” and “not so difficult” and figure it all out on your own…)

Here’s the thing, babe: you don’t need to hit rock bottom to reach out for help.

Stop feeling like you need to be perfect and have everything figured out.

Gift yourself the support you need… Whether that’s through a therapist, friends, helpline, cuddles with dogs or loved ones… Or going floating, doing breathwork or cacao ceremonies.

(PS If you’re feeling suicidal like I did, PLEASE CALL SOMEBODY. This is the article I read after I couldn’t stop having incessant scary thoughts. REACH OUT FOR HELP. There are professional organizations that can’t wait to be there and listen to you.)

Step 5: Realize you are not alone. And you’re not crazy.

I see SO many men & women around me facing and healing generational wounds.

We’re living in a time where we’re finally able to speak out about our trauma and pain.

I feel thankful to teachers like Gabor Maté for making this topic more known.

Just remember… You’re part of a greater whole. You’re not alone, you’re one of many.

Be gentle on yourself as you’re going through this process. 💕

Thank you for being on this journey with me.

In the last 9 months, a completely new version of myself has given birth. I have new clarity on what I want to share with you in my business.

There are beautiful new offerings coming your way, which a year ago I couldn’t have dreamed of.

But in the meantime, remember: you can trust yourself. You are loved and worthy. The world needs your message. And life gets to be about fun and play...

Big hugs & so much love, Leonie